How It May Take Away From Your Freedom

Externally, you and your spouse seem to be at peace, but nothing could be further from the truth. This perpetuates a desperate marriage. Based upon understanding the needs of the controlling personality and your own needs, you can find a much healthier approach to dealing with a controlling spouse. First, you must understand that the highly controlling person is one who has taken the need for freedom too far. The need for freedom is legitimate, but when your husband cares only for his own freedom with no concern for how it may take away from your freedom, he has become an abusive controller. If you seek a positive solution to influencing your controlling spouse, you must deal with his need for freedom, but you must also address your own need for freedom. Second, you must understand and respond to the controller’s need for significance. The more often they reach the tasks and goals they have set, the better they feel about themselves. The controlling wife interprets her failure to reach a goal as, I am a failure. Thus, if you seek to influence your controlling wife, you must first address her inner needs for freedom and significance. Let me suggest an approach that has proven successful for many. You do not influence a controller by argument.

A Touch Too Much

Arguing with a controller is like throwing gasoline on a fire. The controller is already strongly motivated to reach his/her goal. Your argument is simply one more obstacle in reaching that goal. It fires his engine to overcome your argument and prove that his way is the best way. You will not argue long enough or well enough to influence a controller. The approach I have found most helpful is what I call influencing by agreement. You agree with the controller’s arguments, but you don’t allow yourself to be controlled by those arguments. I hear someone objecting, Agree with his arguments? I can’t possibly do that. The reality is that you can almost always agree with the arguments of your spouse. Because their arguments are correct, from their perspective. Phillip, I really appreciate your efforts to save money. I think your goal to retire at fifty is a worthy goal.

No One Ever Tells You

If he persists with other arguments, Sally can agree with all of his arguments but insist that it is not a comfort that she is willing to sacrifice. If Phillip hasn’t changed the showerhead in a week, she should call a plumber and have the old head reinstalled. Influencing by agreement and yet not allowing yourself to be controlled holds tremendous potential for influencing a controlling spouse. You are not arguing that his ideas are bad, which he will always interpret as personal criticism and will fight to prove that his ideas are worthy. Influencing by agreement virtually eliminates arguing rather than fueling its fire. However, it is extremely important to follow through with the second half of this approach and not allow yourself to be controlled by the controller. You are not demanding total freedom, nor are you yielding such freedom to the controller. Once a controlling spouse sees that you have a mind of your own and that you will not be controlled by his or her limited perspective, he or she will likely come to respect your freedom. This approach applied consistently over a period of time has influenced many controllers to a more balanced approach to life. Another approach that offers promise in positively influencing a controlling spouse is to play to his or her strengths. In the world of sports and business, good coaches and supervisors always follow this principle. The idea is to find the strengths of the player or employee and utilize these to the maximum.

Famous Last Words

The principle also works in marriage and is especially helpful in influencing the controller. Therefore, a controlling spouse will welcome a request for help. I have observed that you are really good at mapping out strategies to reach goals. Would you be willing to help me with a project? A friend of mind has asked me to come up with practical ideas on how she and her husband can enrich their marriage. I have some ideas, but would you give some thought to that, and next week we can pool our ideas? You may be surprised at the ideas the controller will produce. Once the list is made and you pass it on to your friend, you may begin trying to initiate some of these in your own marriage. Having been a part of the idea, the controller is far more likely to be willing to pursue such activities. However, one of the tendencies of the controller when he or she thinks of marriage enrichment is to think in terms of changes the spouse needs to make. You may feel your spouse’s controlling power even in these efforts to improve your marriage. When this happens, it is time to use the influence by agreement approach discussed above. You agree with his ideas, but you don’t allow him to treat you as a slave. In summary, arguing and fighting with a controlling spouse is the worst possible approach. Influencing by agreement and playing to his or her strengths are much more positive approaches. Both assume a kind but firm refusal to be controlled. Individuals who would be agents of positive change with a controlling spouse must accept responsibility for their own attitudes. Remember, you cannot change your spouse, but you can influence him or her. In her office, the other secretaries tried to take their break when Jill was on break because they enjoyed her spirit. But in my office, Jill was not laughing. Tears long held inside were now cascading down her normally cheerful face. I mean, he really won’t talk to me, she said as she sobbed. It’s tearing me up inside. I’m usually a happy person, she continued. I can adapt and get along with almost anyone, but I don’t know what to do when Mike won’t talk to me.