Deserving Of Unconditional Love

It’s understandable that we want the critical voices to stop, and yet their degree of forcefulness is also a direct indication of how much pain and fear they are trying to shelter from more harm. Just as with your Little Me, they must be fully acknowledged so that they can become part of the healing process. The transition from wanting to push these Protectors away to feeling grateful for them is one of the most important shifts internally. If my mind is telling me to never, ever ask for someone to notice me, I can be sure that I was so rarely noticed that there is an ocean of pain inside. Each of us can probably think of examples of this in our own lives. They are trying to make sure that this Little Me doesn’t get shamed or criticized for not living up to cultural or family expectations. But there is another aspect to our Inner Protectors. Because they stem from fear, they see things strictly in black and white. Good and bad, right and wrong. They stir up anxiety and shame in the name of protecting us, while unintentionally reinforcing all our negative core beliefs. As we befriend them and offer these parts of us compassion, they will often give us access to the Little Me they are protecting. And once the Little Me is healed, these Protectors will not be needed in the same way.

Turn It Up

This deep inner work with the pain and fear really is the shortcut to stilling the inner voices that haunt us each day. As we have been talking about Protectors, it’s likely one of yours has made an appearance. Notice how they might look and sound in your mind. Maybe it is the voice of one of your parents. If I try to override it, the loud critical voice shouts at me for being an idiot. It could more abstractly be the voice of society. What are yours saying? Is it possible to listen to them so deeply that you can follow them back to the root of the pain and fear they are working so hard to not have happen again? The paradox is that listening to this voice often feels safe. It seems like they are talking sense. After all, if you’re rich and thin, just like all the magazines and the movies say, won’t your life be perfect? Having flat abs or a high bank balance has nothing to do with your capacity to love and be loved. Until there has been a lot of healing, our Inner Protectors are going to continue because they are driven to try to protect you from more of the same pain you have learned to expect. The inner voice of this Protector can be critical and shaming toward you in hopes of protecting you from those exact feelings in your external world. Without healing, they are an addiction of sorts, compelled to continue their ways until there is less pain and fear to keep away.

A Head Full Of Dreams

When we befriend this part of us, understanding that their role has only ever been to protect Little Me from more pain and thank Little Me for their service, the Protectors begin to feel heard and understood. As these old wounds heal, there is less need for our Inner Protectors to try to stand between Little Me and yet more pain. Their voices quiet as Little Me is more and more able to experience the joys of curiosity, wonder, playfulness, and intuition that are available as Little Me heals. We see that our Inner Protectors are as equally deserving of unconditional love as every other part of us. These Protectors gradually shift their focus to providing care and advice that is centered on what is happening in the here and now rather than guarding against a repeat of past pain. Instead of You shouldn’t let anyone see your tears, they may say, Your tears are valuable. Is this the person you can safely share them with? Their wise guidance begins to help you discern who may be trustworthy companions for you. The first step is to become aware of when your Inner Protectors are speaking in your ear. If you’re anxiously attached, it’s likely their voices have become such a constant in the back of your mind that you even believe they are the strongest part of you. Maybe even the real you. But remember, they are not. An Inner Protector is simply one part of a rich inner world.

Put A Smile Upon Your Face

By consciously identifying them as such, you will become more and more practiced at noticing how they are trying to protect you. They can help you see which parts of yourself you have had to abandon in order to feel accepted. When they say, Don’t you dare speak up to your boss, you may begin to remember how unsafe it was to voice any disagreement in your family. Begin to listen for your Inner Protectors as a conscious practice. The words should and shouldn’t often announce their presence. Gain awareness of the messages they repeat. As you begin to listen closely, do you notice themes? What issues are most important for them? Thank your Inner Protectors for helping you not repeat the things that got you into trouble at home. Thank them for helping you open the door to healing these old core wounds. Let them know that you are dedicated to doing that so you will have more freedom to respond differently now. You may notice your Inner Protectors softening already, just because they are being accepted as a valuable part of you. As you keep at this, you will sense just how harsh and commanding your protectors can be. You have paid attention to the Protectors because it seemed that listening to these negative, critical voices would steer you right. The truth is that your Inner Protectors will slowly soften when you heal the pain inside and continue to guide you in a gentle way.