I Am Responsible For My Own Attitude

Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. Bill had a job when they were married. He had been working there for the entire year that Elaine had known him. He was determined to prove his father wrong, but his anger at his father led him to sharp words and critical comments to fellow employees. So he would leave the job. The first time he left the job, Elaine was supportive and verbally affirmed him. He felt her love and sought diligently for a second job. When that job lasted only six months, she was not as supportive, but rather questioned him about why he had to leave this job. From that juncture, her comments to him about each successive job loss became more critical. Elaine was no longer his source of love and security. She had joined the voice of his father in condemning him. He had, in fact, come to believe the message.

Watch Yourself

Soon Bill was suffering from depression. The source of his irresponsible behavior was that his need for significance was not being met, and the love that Elaine had given him initially had now dried up. What she saw was his irresponsible behavior, and what she felt was lack of love. Bill had not been meeting her own need for love and support, and her response had been to criticize him for his irresponsibility. Understanding the source of Bill’s behavior made it possible for Elaine to take positive steps to influence that behavior. But his need for love was not being met in the marriage. His response was to draw back from his wife. His primary love language was words of affirmation. It seemed to him that Becky seldom gave him a positive word. His love tank was empty, and his irresponsible behavior was shouting, I will not respond to the requests of one who is not loving me. His irresponsible behavior did not engender love feelings or actions from Becky. Thus, the trouble in their relationship had compounded over the years.

We Never Change

When Becky began to understand what was happening inside David, she began to get a new perspective on how she could become an agent of positive change in their marriage. When Robert began to focus on the source of Suzanne’s behavior, he discovered that she still had a lot of guilt over taking her daughter through a divorce. Before her marriage to him, she had focused her attention on her daughter. She was excelling in her sales job, but with all of her free time she was seeking to enrich her daughter’s life. She had been a successful career woman. She was well on her way until he started complaining about her lack of housekeeping and cooking. She felt he was being unfair and was failing to recognize the value of her spending time with the children. When his complaints continued, she felt he was trying to control her life. He was trying to steal her freedom. She refused to buckle to his demands and resolved that neither he nor anyone else would keep her from investing time with her children. This made it even more difficult for her to be responsive to his demands. This insight set Robert on a whole new course of action, which brings us to the third and most important consideration.

Out Of Tears

He realized that he was responsible for his own attitude. He could think positively in spite of the negative factors in his marriage. If he looked for the positive, he would find it. He discovered that attitudes affect actions and that if he chose to believe there were solutions, he would seek those solutions and take positive steps in the right direction. Although he could not change Suzanne’s behavior, Robert understood that he could influence her by his positive actions. He realized that he could take such actions even while his emotions were negative. Robert also knew that he had made many mistakes in his efforts to change Suzanne. He was now willing to admit those mistakes and realized that in so doing, he was not admitting that he was a failure, nor was he taking all the blame for their problems. He also discovered that love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. He began to ask himself, What loving actions can I take toward Suzanne that have the potential for influencing her in a positive way? My attitude affects my actions. I cannot change others, but I can influence others. My emotions do not control my actions. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure. He began by acknowledging his own imperfections. In doing so, he took responsibility for his own attitude and acknowledged his actions, principles one and two of reality living. He was not certain that he could verbalize his thoughts to Suzanne, so he decided to write her a letter. I have been thinking about us for the few days. I realize that for a long time, I have been overly critical of you. I know that my criticism must have hurt you deeply. I want you to know that I realize that I have been wrong, and I want to ask you to forgive me for all of my critical and demanding lectures I have put you through. When we got married, I was proud of you for your accomplishments in the world. I know now that I should be proud of you for all that you are doing for our children. I don’t think there could be a better mother. I guess I have just felt left out of your love, and maybe that’s why I have been so critical. I am just trying to understand my own behavior. I know that you probably have not felt much love from me either. I think we both need and deserve more from each other. I know that I want to make the future different. I guess we both need to make some changes.