The Husband's Responsibility In The Home

When it comes to working to avoid condemnation, even religious service can become an escape. Ministers often fall into this category. One minister’s wife said to me, My husband preaches against adultery but, in fact, he is committing adultery. I mean the church has become his mistress. I am his housekeeper, and our children are orphans. Everyone praises him for being such a wonderful pastor. He is always available. I’m sorry, but I don’t share the view of the congregation. She urged her husband to join fifty thousand other men at a football stadium for a Promise Keepers conference. Promise Keepers is a national men’s movement, which has a strong emphasis upon the husband’s responsibility in the home. Later, when the speaker asked that each man turn to another man and confess their faults one to another, this pastor turned to his fellow pastor and confessed that he had failed his wife and children. For instance, Amy described her earlier years with Jim, before their dramatic confrontation on the lawn of the retirement center.

Its No Use

I was so in love with him. He was my ideal of a hardworking man. He had accomplished much since finishing college, and I knew that we would have a wonderful life together. I knew he would be a perfect husband. The first two years of our marriage were exciting. We were buying a house, getting the furniture, getting settled in. But then Jim got a promotion. From that point on, it seemed like everything changed. We had more money but saw less of each other. I didn’t like what was happening with his time, and I told Jim that I felt like his job was more important than I was. He assured me that it wouldn’t be like this forever but that the next two or three years were going to require a lot of his time. I understood that and I was willing to sacrifice if it were temporary.

We Hide To Try Our Feelings

In a year or so, the baby came, and my life was absorbed with caring for the baby. Jim’s mother and my mother gave me a lot of help the first year. Actually, I think their help maintained my stability. They often babysat while I got away for some relaxation. I even met Jim for lunch a few times. Those were special times. But then his parents moved out of town, and my mother got sick. I really needed Jim, but he was not there for me. Three years had passed, but things were worse than ever. You should be thankful for all that I provide for you and the baby,he told me. I was thankful, but I didn’t feel that we were living a normal life. For the next several years Amy alternated between an aggressive and a passive approach.

Can't Stop The Sun

Part of the time, I would give Jim angry lectures and accuse him of not loving me. I even accused him once of having an affair. I told him that he would live to regret the day he got that job. I criticized his superiors. I told him about my lack of respect for the administration of a company that would require a man to spend so much time at work. Then I would go for long periods of time saying nothing, but suffering and showing by my behavior that I was unhappy with Jim and our relationship. During these times, we had fewer arguments, but the pain was more intense for me. I steadily grew to a place of hopelessness. I began to realize that Jim’s behavior had little to do with me and far more to do with him. I remembered the stories he had told me when we were dating, of how his father criticized his schoolwork and his athletic efforts. I remembered specific stories about his father, such as the Saturday Jim washed the car, and his father came out and pointed out a spot he had missed. His father was seldom complimentary and almost always critical. His accomplishments on the job were giving him the affirmation he needed from others, and I really believed that Jim was feeling good about his accomplishments. The problem, of course, was that I was feeling left out. Amy also realized that her critical attitude was much like that of Jim’s father and that she was driving him away by her critical comments about his work. So she decided to stop making critical comments and start giving Jim positive comments about his job. I started telling him the good things I heard people say about his company. I started saying things like, ‘Your supervisor must be very proud of you. You must have saved the company thousands of dollars with that decision.’ I started expressing appreciation for the way he provided for me and the children. I started giving him the affirmation that I knew he needed. Over a period of a couple of months, the atmosphere between the two of us began to improve. We weren’t having fights, and Jim seemed to enjoy the few times we went out to dinner. But his work patterns did not change. I felt that I had changed my attitude, and I had stopped my negative behavior and had started giving positive affirmation. But it didn’t seem to be influencing Jim to make any changes. So what made Amy think of the visit to the retirement center? A friend of hers suggested Amy try using tough love, saying that love sometimes must be hard and firm and that if we really care about someone, we will confront the person in a kind but firm way. I thought about it for a long time, and I realized that Jim was a good man but that unless he was shocked, his obsession with work was not going to change. So I thought about a creative way that I could break the news to him that I was very unhappy with our relationship and unwilling to continue in the present mode.