What Motivated His Behavior?

Admitting past failures and asking for forgiveness is one of the most liberating of all human experiences. I am not implying that the responsibility for the wall is equally distributed between the husband and the wife. For all of us, our marital history is a mixed bag of good and bad behavior. Admitting past failures and asking for forgiveness is a liberating experience. When you admit your failures and request forgiveness, you begin tearing the wall down on your side. Your spouse may readily forgive you or may be reluctant to do so, but you have done the most positive thing you can do about past failures. You cannot remove them, nor can you remove all of their results, but you can acknowledge them and request forgiveness. I’ve been thinking about us, and I realize that in the past I have not been the perfect husband/wife. In many ways I have failed you and hurt you. I am sincerely sorry for these failures. I hope that you will be able to forgive me for these. I sincerely want to be a better husband/wife.

Trouble In Paradise

If the hurt has been deep, your spouse may question your sincerity. He or she may even say, I’ve heard that line before, or I’m not sure that I can forgive you. Whatever the response, you have planted in his or her mind the idea that the future is going to be different. If, in fact, you begin to make positive changes as a spouse, the day may come when your partner will freely forgive past failures. Until then, you must concentrate on making positive changes. To admit your own past failures does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility for your desperate marriage. It does mean that you are no longer using your spouse’s failures as an excuse for your own failures. You are stepping up to take full responsibility for your own failures, and you are doing the most responsible thing you can do by acknowledging your failures and asking forgiveness. In so doing, you are paving the road of hope for a new future. That may happen in a healthy marriage but not in a deeply troubled marriage. You may feel that the bulk of the wall is on your spouse’s side, and that may be true. However small it may be, this is a step in the right direction.

Take It Easy

It lets your spouse know that you are consciously thinking about your marriage relationship. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. Most of the couples who sit in my office talk about the lack of love, affection, and appreciation they have received from a spouse through the years. Their emotional love tanks are empty, and they are pleading for love. I am deeply sympathetic with this need. I believe love is humanity’s deepest emotional need. The difficulty in a desperate marriage is that spouses focus on receiving love rather than giving love. Many husbands say, If she would just be a little more affectionate, then I could be responsive to her. The final principle of reality living declares love to be the most powerful weapon for good, and that especially applies in marriage. The problem for many husbands and wives is that they have thought of love as an emotion. In reality, love is an attitude, demonstrated with appropriate behavior. It affects the emotions, but it is not in itself an emotion.

We All Die Someday

Love is the attitude that says, I choose to look out for your interests. How may I help you? Then love is expressed in behavior. The fact that love is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him or her. That is why in the first century Paul the apostle wrote to husbands, Love your wives, just as he loved the church and gave himself up for her [by willingly dying on a cross]. In another of his letters, Paul challenged the older women to train the younger women to love their husbands. Love can be learned because it is not an emotion. By nature you tend to speak your own language. For example, if quality time makes you feel loved, then that’s what you try to give your spouse. But if that is not his or her primary language, it will not mean to your spouse what it would mean to you. So you need to know, and then speak, your spouse’s primary love language. When you choose to reach out with a loving attitude and loving actions toward your spouse in spite of past failures, you create a climate where the two of you can resolve conflicts and confess wrongs. A marriage can be reborn. Reality living says, I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate. This powerful weapon called love is the final aspect of reality living. All six principles point the way to loving solutions in a marriage that can bring husbands and wives back together. These six realities hold tremendous potential for desperate marriages. I am deeply sympathetic to those who feel that there is no hope for their marriage. But let’s not assume that past failures must be repeated in the future. With a new set of guidelines and a willingness to take action, there is hope for a desperate marriage. My attitude affects my actions. I cannot change others, but I can influence others. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. I understand that you wish your spouse would join you in working on the marriage. That is probably an unrealistic hope at the moment, but that does not mean that your marriage is hopeless. One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you. Suddenly Jeff stands and walks to the kitchen. What motivated his behavior?