Skip to main content
What Motivated His Behavior?
 
Admitting  past  failures  and  asking  for  forgiveness  is  one of the most  liberating  of  all human  experiences.  I am not  implying  that the responsibility for  the  wall  is  equally  distributed  between the husband  and  the wife.  For  all of  us,  our  marital  history  is  a  mixed  bag  of good and  bad  behavior.  Admitting  past  failures  and  asking  for  forgiveness  is  a  liberating  experience.  When  you  admit  your  failures  and request  forgiveness,  you  begin  tearing  the wall down on  your  side.  Your  spouse  may  readily  forgive  you  or  may  be  reluctant  to  do so,  but  you  have  done the  most  positive  thing  you  can  do  about  past  failures.  You  cannot  remove  them,  nor  can  you  remove  all  of  their  results,  but  you can acknowledge them and request forgiveness. I’ve  been  thinking  about us, and I  realize  that  in the past  I have  not been  the perfect  husband/wife. In many  ways  I have  failed you and  hurt  you. I  am sincerely sorry  for  these failures. I hope  that  you will  be  able to forgive  me  for  these. I sincerely  want  to  be  a  better  husband/wife.  
Trouble In Paradise
If  the  hurt  has  been  deep,  your  spouse  may  question  your  sincerity.  He  or  she  may even say, I’ve heard that line before, or I’m not sure that I can forgive you. Whatever the response, you have planted in his or her mind  the idea that the future is going to be different. If, in fact, you begin to make positive changes  as  a  spouse,  the  day  may  come  when  your  partner  will  freely  forgive  past  failures.  Until  then,  you  must  concentrate  on  making  positive  changes.  To  admit  your  own  past  failures  does  not mean that you are accepting all  the  responsibility  for your desperate  marriage. It does  mean  that  you  are  no  longer  using  your  spouse’s  failures  as  an  excuse  for  your  own  failures.  You are stepping up to take  full  responsibility  for  your  own  failures,  and  you  are  doing  the most  responsible  thing  you can do by acknowledging  your  failures  and  asking forgiveness.  In  so  doing,  you  are paving the  road  of  hope  for  a new  future.  That may  happen  in a  healthy  marriage  but not  in  a  deeply  troubled marriage.  You  may  feel  that  the bulk  of  the wall  is  on your  spouse’s  side,  and that  may  be true.  However  small it  may  be,  this  is  a step  in  the  right  direction.  Take It Easy
It lets  your  spouse  know  that  you  are  consciously  thinking  about  your  marriage  relationship.  Love  is  the  most  powerful  weapon  for  good  in  the  world.  Most  of  the  couples  who  sit  in  my  office  talk  about  the  lack  of  love,  affection,  and  appreciation  they  have  received  from  a  spouse  through  the  years.  Their  emotional  love  tanks  are  empty,  and  they  are  pleading  for  love.  I  am  deeply  sympathetic  with  this  need.  I believe love is humanity’s deepest emotional need. The difficulty  in a  desperate  marriage  is that spouses  focus  on  receiving  love  rather  than  giving  love.  Many  husbands  say,  If  she  would  just  be  a  little  more  affectionate,  then  I  could  be  responsive  to  her.  The  final  principle  of  reality  living  declares  love  to  be  the  most  powerful  weapon  for  good,  and that  especially  applies  in  marriage.  The problem  for many husbands  and  wives  is  that  they have thought of  love  as  an  emotion.  In  reality,  love  is  an  attitude,  demonstrated  with  appropriate  behavior.  It  affects the  emotions,  but  it  is not in itself an  emotion.  We All Die Someday
Love  is  the  attitude  that  says, I choose to look out for your interests. How may I help you?  Then  love  is  expressed in behavior. The fact that love is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you  can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him or  her. That is why in the first century Paul the apostle wrote to husbands,  Love  your  wives,  just  as  he  loved  the church  and  gave himself  up for her [by willingly  dying  on  a  cross].  In  another  of  his  letters,  Paul  challenged  the  older  women  to  train the younger women to love their husbands.  Love  can  be  learned  because  it is  not  an  emotion. By nature  you  tend to  speak your  own  language. For  example,  if  quality  time  makes  you feel  loved,  then that’s what  you  try to  give  your spouse.  But if  that  is  not  his or her primary language, it will  not  mean  to  your  spouse  what  it would  mean  to  you.  So  you  need to  know,  and  then  speak,  your spouse’s  primary  love  language.  When  you  choose  to  reach  out  with  a  loving  attitude  and  loving  actions  toward  your  spouse  in  spite  of  past  failures,  you  create  a  climate  where  the  two  of  you  can  resolve  conflicts  and  confess  wrongs.  A  marriage  can  be  reborn.  Reality  living  says,  I  will  choose  the  road  of  love  because  its  potential  is  far  greater  than  the  road  of  hate.  This  powerful  weapon  called  love  is  the  final  aspect  of  reality  living.  All  six  principles  point  the  way  to  loving  solutions  in  a  marriage  that  can  bring  husbands  and  wives  back  together.  These  six  realities  hold  tremendous  potential  for  desperate  marriages.  I  am  deeply  sympathetic  to  those  who  feel  that  there  is  no  hope  for  their  marriage.  But  let’s  not  assume  that  past  failures  must  be  repeated  in  the  future.  With  a new  set  of  guidelines  and  a willingness  to take  action,  there  is  hope  for  a desperate  marriage.  My  attitude  affects  my  actions.  I  cannot  change  others,  but  I  can  influence  others.  Admitting  my  imperfections  does  not  mean  that  I  am  a failure. Love is the most  powerful  weapon  for  good  in  the  world.  I  understand  that  you  wish  your  spouse  would  join  you  in  working  on  the  marriage.  That  is  probably  an  unrealistic  hope  at  the  moment,  but  that  does  not  mean  that  your  marriage  is  hopeless.  One  person  must  always  take  the  initiative.  Perhaps  that  person  will  be  you.  Suddenly  Jeff  stands  and  walks  to  the  kitchen.  What  motivated  his  behavior?