You Must Affirm Your Own Worth

It’s important to have a plan and to follow the plan consistently. I believe in you, and I don’t think that your behavior over the last month is characteristic of the real you. If you have never done this, are you willing to try it soon? Mark is on the road to help, and perhaps Susan will join him. If your spouse is unwilling to go for counseling and unwilling to talk with you about the problem, you must work out your own strategy and announce it to your spouse. For example, Megan says to Barry in a context of calmness, I want to share with you a decision I’ve made. As you know, I have talked with you in the past about how deeply I am hurt when you lash out at me with critical and demeaning remarks. It takes me days and sometimes weeks to get over the pain that I feel on those occasions. I have decided that the next time you lose your temper and begin to yell at me, I will take some time away from you in order to recover. I think my healing will be faster if we are apart. I want you to know what I am doing. I will not be abandoning you, but I will be trying to take constructive action in what has become a very destructive pattern in our relationship. I can’t survive your attacks indefinitely.

Trouble In Mind

I don’t believe that is the kind of person you want to be. I’m sharing this with you because I believe in you and because I want you to know that I want to be as strong as I can to help you become the person you want to become. Barry may immediately lash out, or he may be calm and express words of regret. Whatever his response, Megan will simply follow her plan the next time he explodes. Her time away with a friend or family member for two or three days will give him time to think and also help him realize the serious nature of his verbal abuse. If he abuses her verbally a subsequent time, Megan will repeat this strategy. If this strategy does not stimulate Barry to go for counseling, Megan will need to develop additional steps. Don’t let verbal abuse work. If you give in to your abusive spouse and do whatever the abuser is requesting, you are encouraging the abuse. You must never allow verbal abuse to work for the abuser. Typically, abusive patterns have succeeded in the past, and that is why they become entrenched. If you decide not to let them work, you are taking a positive step in breaking the pattern.

See Yourself

You could say to your spouse, I have realized that in the past, I encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in to whatever you desired of me. I realize now that this is wrong. I want you to know that in the future whenever you lash out at me in anger and verbally attack me, I will not be responsive to that kind of behavior. If you want to make a kind request of me as your spouse, I will certainly consider your request and may well do what you desire, but I will not encourage you to be a tyrant by giving in to you when you are ranting and raving. Having made such a statement, you must be consistent in following it. So as a verbally abused spouse, you must first of all refuse to believe the negative messages of your verbally abusing husband or wife. You must affirm your own worth in spite of the negative messages you are receiving from your spouse. Only as you come to see yourself as a person of worth and value will you be able to take positive steps that have the potential of changing your marriage relationships. Also, remind yourself that you cannot change your spouse’s verbal behavior, but you can influence that behavior. Then you are free to have more constructive responses to the abuser’s verbal outbursts. Your hurt, anger, or apathy may encourage you to give up, but you must choose instead to take constructive action, thus moving against your negative emotions. You must admit that you are not perfect, but your imperfections do not mean that you are a failure.

There's Nothing Like A Social Disease

Admitting your own failures, you are then free to choose the high road of loving your spouse unconditionally. Reality living also recognizes the power of love as an agent for good. Unconditional love means that you will treat your spouse with kindness and respect even though he or she is not reciprocating. It is the attitude that says, I choose to look out for your interests. This does not mean that love puts up with abusive behavior. Love says, I care about you too much to sit here and let you destroy me and yourself. I know that is not for your good, and I will not cooperate in the process. Love takes constructive action for the benefit of the loved one regardless of how difficult the action may be. Do the above suggestions guarantee that your spouse will change his or her behavior? Unfortunately, I can give you no such guarantee. You cannot determine another’s choices. You can, however, make very wise choices. You can be a responsible person even when your spouse is being irresponsible. Remember, you are not responsible for your spouse’s behavior. You are responsible for your own behavior. You did not make your spouse a verbal abuser, but you do choose what your response will be to that abuse. None of them, however, is a healthy response. He was a pig farmer and extremely successful in his business. If raising pigs and making money could ensure a good marriage, he said, I would have one. He went on to explain, I consider myself a strong man. I don’t usually let things get me down, but my wife’s constant criticism has almost destroyed me.