The Capacity For Feeling Grows More Deeply

What one child needs today, in one conversation, might not be what she needs tomorrow. The same goes for siblings. They might have far different conversational needs, depending on their personalities, the kind of day they’ve had, and even if they’re together or alone. Sensing those needs, and shifting your response, is truly an art, not an exact science. At the same time, there are strategies to help. It all starts with taking a compassionate look at your family’s talking and listening habits, beginning with what’s already working well. It gives you methods you can take into any conversation. Drawing from my own life, I show you times I’ve felt proud of my conversations, but also times I floundered, or when my contributions had the opposite effect of what I’d hoped. I talk about how important it is to flounder. Not knowing an answer is as important as knowing one. That lets them try more over time. These great conversations aren’t possible all the time, certainly.

Something Special

Sometimes, they’re the last things we have time for. But when we do make time for this talk, even in small moments, it can change how we see our kids and how they see us. It can profoundly enhance our relationship. We become more open to each other, and more understanding. We can even, in the best of times, feel inspired. What’s more, creating this foundation means that hard times, later on, will feel less hard. With that strong base in place, your kids are more likely to come to you for support and comfort, not argument. To understand the importance of these conversations, let’s meet two key players who have influenced talk about talk for more than a century. His stage theory argues that children’s thinking develops as they do, but it’s not a steady climb. Instead, there are jagged leaps of insight, as kids engage with their environments, discovering as they go.24 Kids learn through trial and error, as they have new experiences, then work to make sense of them. Your role is to provide new materials and opportunities and let them explore, while occasionally clarifying their ideas.25,26

The Sands Of Time

This is exactly where conversation comes in. Conversation is a constant chance to give and get feedback. As a result, your responses are far more likely to answer their real worries or questions, not the ones you assume they have. At the same time, another psychologist came to the stage who emphasized conversation far more. The Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky, born in the same year as Piaget, took a far more interactive approach.27 Knowledge, he said, is built through the interaction between people. Through scaffolding, or feedback from an adult or older child, a child can reach insights far beyond those he could have on his own. Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development pinpoints the gap between what a child can do himself and where he can get with your help.28,29,30 When you target that sweet spot, he’s primed to make the most of what you have to say or teach. Your interaction is the key to helping him stretch. Over time, with your help, his zone gets bigger and bigger. He becomes more capable of doing more on his own.

What Goes On

He learns more and learns how to learn. His capacity for feeling grows more deeply. His thinking becomes more nuanced and elaborate. As Vygotsky argued, it’s the scaffolding, or support and guidance received from an adult or older child, that helps a child reach his potential. But the stretch shouldn’t be so big that it goes over her head or so small that it provides little challenge. Trust your intuition. In these conversations, you’re physically with each other. You’re fully present in body and mind. You’re paying attention to body language, facial expression, and other nonverbal cues, and encouraging your child to do the same. You’re attending carefully, taking in what the other person says and how they’re saying it. Embodied conversation engages the five senses. In the blend of what each person says and how he or she says it, frowns and smiles and pauses help kids learn more deeply and engage. When you and your child sit close, you tend to mimic the other’s actions and expressions, which forms a powerful social glue.35 That’s the foundation of empathy, since it gives your child a starting place from which to take your perspective. Watching your face offers hints about how you’re feeling and thinking, in a way that goes beyond words.36,37 In embodied conversation, you communicate warmth while you ask questions or tell stories. Your child learns and relates. Simple greetings, such as How are you? and Fine, aren’t full conversations. There’s little room for your child to weigh in, or for the discussion to take an unexpected turn. Instead, when you talk with your child, not simply at him, he’s far more likely to be engaged and to care than if you talk nonstop, even about something that interests him. He’s also more likely to learn.38,39 Can you have conversations over email, video chat, or phone? When conversation isn’t embodied, it’s called mediated. In mediated conversation, you’re not talking in person. You may be on the phone or chatting over text message, video chat, or email. It’s important, and at times even necessary, but not enough. That’s not to say mediated conversation is bad and embodied is good. And it’s certainly not to shame you or say that you shouldn’t talk in mediated ways. It’s not a sign of bad parenting to multitask or respond to email while fixing dinner. At times, it’s simply what our home and work lives demand. Focusing on talking with kids, then taking a break for social media, can let you have the best of both worlds. And if you have a work deadline or playdates to schedule, or a cousin asking to FaceTime, it’s often not possible, or even advisable, to put the technology away. Especially these days, mediated conversation has its place. At times, it can be a much more efficient way of operating than the embodied version. If you need to order plane tickets or contact customer service, it makes far more sense to pick up the phone or email than to physically go to each place.