How To Express Your Anger

Does your letter sound too wimpy, too tame, or too nice? After you’re through, you’ll feel renewed. When you are done, put the letter away. This letter is for you. Write a letter like this once a week or once a month, and keep it in a special place that only you know about. You can describe your anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, or other emotions. Again, whatever you do, do not send a letter to your ex. No matter how great you think your letters are, they are for your eyes only. When we share something with others, even if this something is just a letter or email, we subconsciously expect a response in return. Writing this letter is completely and totally 100 percent for you. Are you angry with your ex, but find that you’re having a hard time letting your feelings out? Would your friends or family be surprised to know just how angry you are? Well, they might be surprised, but your ex should know better. Tell your ex why you are angry. Are you angry because your ex cheated on you? Didn’t pay attention to you? Tell your ex exactly why you’re angry, and don’t hold back.

The Greatest Discovery

Allow yourself to feel negative. Do you feel like your ex ruined your life? Are you upset that your ex lavishly spent money on a Caribbean cruise instead of your children? Do you feel like your ex is a terrible parent? Explain how your ex has affected your life. Are you now a single parent? Are you struggling financially? Do you miss Friday night pizza or card games with your mutual friends? Let your ex know what he or she should feel responsible for, and the consequences you are dealing with, as a result of your breakup. A third way to get to an emotionally neutral state is to attach meaning to the end of the relationship. Think about the relationship like it’s the plot of a story or a screenplay for a big Hollywood movie, complete with characters, places, a storyline, events, and a dramatic closing. Script your own story, and then share it with close friends or family. When you share your story with friends and family, you’ll want to be sure to discuss what happened, the reason for the breakup, who initiated it, your feelings about what happened, and the process of the separation. Concentrate on telling your version of the story. While it’s true that your story may not reflect your ex’s view, an external reality, or even the truth, don’t worry about hitting the right points or providing an unbiased view. The personal stories you construct and choose to share are what will give the end of the relationship meaning for you, so you can move forward and find love again. For some guidance, we use a storyboard to divide their story into six parts. How would you tell your story using the storyboard below? If you are a woman, sharing your story will most likely come naturally, but if you are a man, you may be tempted to clam up, turn on some sports, and tune out your feelings.

There's Still Time For It

Remember, that’s what friends are for! You might be surprised at how you feel after you’ve talked things through. And be sure to listen to your friends’ questions, insights, and feedback. Perhaps you and your ex have mutual friends, and the last thing you need is your friend spilling your stories to your ex. It’s hard enough to work through your feelings, but it’s even harder to do so in isolation. In these circumstances, one of the best things you can do is to seek out others who understand what you are going through. Wouldn’t it be great to talk with someone else who gets it? Wouldn’t it be a relief not to feel so alone and to have someone to confide in? Support groups can provide this and so much more. Suffering in silence isn’t the best strategy if you want to find love again. You may also find solace in turning to the arts and sharing your story in a creative format. Some of the best art, poetry, literature, and music have been created during the pain of a breakup. How many songs on your iPod’s playlist are about a breakup or a relationship that’s ended? Trust me, this isn’t a coincidence. Art, music, and the written word can be powerful tools for healing. Write some lyrics about the end of your relationship as you beat out a drum solo at your desk.

What Do You Want From Me?

Sketch about your ex on your day calendar. Giving meaning to the relationship in any form helps you to process your emotions and move on. Once you’ve given meaning to the end of the relationship by talking about what happened, it’s time to take the sting, emotion, and blame out of why the relationship ended. Did the relationship end because your ex was a serial cheater? Because you didn’t get enough love and affection? Because you no longer loved your partner? These all sound like emotionally charged statements, don’t they? In order to move to an emotionally neutral state, use we statements to reassign the blame. If your relationship ended because of chronic physical or psychological abuse, a serious mental illness, or substance abuse, this strategy will not work for you. And by changing your perspective on why the relationship ended, your emotions about the relationship will change, too. For example, saying We did the best we could at the time conjures up far less emotion than, He was never home to raise our family. Blaming the relationship, instead of you or your ex, allows you to cut your emotional ties to your ex, let go of the past, and be emotionally present and ready for new love. Divorced spouses who blame themselves or their ex, rather than the relationship or the situation, have more anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and overall health problems. After we got divorced, I was miserable.