Look At The Experience As A Gift

Ask yourself if those actions will truly free you from your negative feelings, or if they’re likely to just create more of the same. Freedom from who I was when I was with him. Freedom from the shackles I had created from holding on to any notion that things would ever be different. My marriage was over. I was alone for the first time. There was nothing I could do about that. And you probably want to act on that anger and sadness, just like I did. Hating my ex didn’t change my circumstance. Explaining my side wouldn’t turn back time so I could change events. Resenting him and the situation did nothing but keep me miserable. It took many months for me to forgive him. I didn’t need him to ask me for forgiveness, I just did it.

That's All Right

I sat in the car one day at a stoplight near where he worked and I said out loud to myself, I’m done hating you. You’re forgiven. It was easier than I thought. Yes, there were still times when I slipped back and would feel bitterness rise up in me when I would think of him and what happened, but I would simply remind myself that I no longer wished to hold onto those feelings. When you find yourself in your own battle, or what feels like a fight, ask yourself what you can do to find peace for yourself. What would make this easier? What can I let go of for this to be not so hard? Many times it’s something right under our noses, but we are so stuck letting our egos run the show, we can’t see any other way. If you have peace and ease in your life, you are always winning, you are always rich, and you are always right with you. He was my first boyfriend and after about six months of dating, he walked me to class, handed me a note, and that was it. First Boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t go to second base with him. The second time, I was sixteen and we had been dating a whole year. He dumped me to spend more time with his friends, which I found out really meant he wanted to date a cute freshman who had been flirting with him. Then when I was thirty, my husband dumped me.

Between Two Worlds

So, it’s fair to say that, like most of us, I’ve had some experience in this department. What should I do? While every situation is unique, I’ve compiled a list of things that, in retrospect, I’ve learned. I’ve made some mistakes in my journey to healing that have dragged out the process. But here are the most important things I’ve learned along the way, in hopes that they can help you avoid my mistakes. Don’t Google him, don’t drive by his house, don’t send him innocent hi texts, don’t tell your friend to tell him you’ve been thinking about him, nothing. No stalking, no following, no checking in. Don’t pretend you’re friends with him. After all, what do we usually do with friends? Do you want to hear about which girls he thinks are hot on Match.com? If you can truthfully say you have absolutely no emotional attachment to him at all, and it doesn’t hurt one bit, knock yourself out. But I’m guessing that’s not the case. Yes, it will be so hard to avoid him completely. And you may slip, but try harder next time.

Here, There And Everywhere

Do you feel good when you do any of this behavior? Do you think any of this is helping you heal, or helping him want to be with you, or helping anything? The only thing you’re getting out of this is feeling worse about yourself and your situation. Is that what you want? Remember, it’s your choice. When people said, The only thing that will heal you is time, I wanted to get all Chuck Norris on them and punch them in the throat. I couldn’t control time, so I wanted that theory to die. I rushed through the healing process like a banshee and celebrated each month that went by, because to me it signified that I was that much better. Then one night I had a dream that we were still married and actually happy. Talk about a tailspin. I was furious that I had a setback, that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I cried and frantically called my therapist. What the hell is this?! I asked her. She ever so calmly told me, Remember when I told you the grief process is a process? You go through it over and over again, possibly for years and years to come. Well, that was not what I wanted to hear. Not right then and there, but over time. Reality was, I had lost a big part of my life. It was the death of a marriage. I cannot control my grief. And I cannot speed up time, try though I did. Once I let all that go, it got easier. The best thing to do post breakup is take out your calendar and start filling it up. Set goals, break them down into manageable steps, and plan them out. Strategize and list out your Hell yeses. What do you want to do that you weren’t able to do when you were attached? This is your opportunity to do what you want. This might sound like the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, especially if you’re in the depths of your breakup, but hear me out. A change in perspective has the ability to move mountains. What if you could itemize what you’ve learned from this experience? You might be thinking, Well, I learned that he’s a major asshole. That’s fine, but I want you to focus on you. What did you learn about you? What did you learn about relationships? What did you learn about what you will and will not tolerate? Choose what’s best for you.