Multitasking Gives Us A Neurochemical High

Who doesn’t love multitasking in the name of productivity? But the research actually shows that we should think twice before doing it. In fact, 98 percent of the population cannot effectively divide attention between two tasks at the same time.11 We are fooling ourselves to think we can parent well while scrolling. Multitasking gives us a neurochemical high, so we start to feel pretty great about ourselves. What is actually happening? Our performance degrades for each new task we add to the mix. Multitasking has also shown to increase stress. Sweetie, after I’m done with this task, I’m all yours. Then take that walk, fully focused on your daughter. Notice how much more enjoyable your time together is. In early motherhood with two kids under two, I exhaustedly told our pediatrician that I could hardly juggle every responsibility. She wanted my attention all day. But so did her baby brother, the laundry, the dishes.

The Long Run

Spend time with my kid? This lady has no clue how hard my life is. And she was 100 percent right. When I fully focused on my daughter, I filled her tank, and she was able to play independently for longer stretches. A decade and five kids later, I still use this trick. After fifteen or so minutes, I told them that it was time to read independently. They each grabbed one from our library stack. When you decide to get fit, you start by stepping on the scale. You need to check your baseline so you know how far you need to go before reaching your goals. An Austrian management consultant said, That which gets measured gets managed. This is why we are taking a closer look at our own tech use. Maybe you’ll measure it, inspect it, and think, Hey, I’m doing all right. My kids say they don’t feel ignored or less important than my phone.

You're Supposed To Be Feeling Good

I don’t feel stressed or unproductive, and the time my screen says I spend on it is the same as the amount I planned to spend on it. You might check your screen use and think, Hmm. This says I spent three hours on my phone yesterday. One of those hours was spent video chatting with Callie’s therapist, and the other was banking and grocery shopping. Looks like I don’t have much fat to trim. Or you could look at your phone use and think, Six hours yesterday? I don’t feel like I spend this much time on social media, because it’s a little bit here and there, but my screen time app shows me that it adds up. I enjoy social media, but I don’t want this proportion of my waking hours to be spent on it. Wherever you land, it’s wise for us to check our metrics and compare them to where we want to be. It’s also important that our kids see us acknowledging our own vulnerabilities and then taking action. Draw a circle around yourself and fix everyone within the circle. Essentially, it is your job to check and reflect on your own use, and let your spouse check and reflect on his or her own tech use. If you don’t think anything inside your circle needs help, you may want to use a mirror or phone a friend.

I Wish People Would Understand This

They might agree with your assessment. Respond with, Thank you for sharing that with me. I’d like to take some time to think about that. And then do that. It’s helpful to approach conversations about digital media use not in terms of right and wrong, but in terms of in its right place. Because, of course, digital media can be incredibly useful and fun, and even facilitate the connection all humans need. Sometimes when I encourage parents to limit tech, there is pushback. I completely understand this, because for years, I was the parent who pushed back. Sometimes parents will say, Wasn’t the response to the printing press similarly alarmist? But we are talking about tech overuse because the research is showing that’s today’s threat. Our sanity, our relationships with our kids, our ability to enjoy life are being hampered. Studies, research, and the settings on our own phones are revealing to us the places where the bulk of our attention is going. We are a special generation of parents. I know, it’s such a millennial thing to declare. The current generation of parents holds a unique perspective. We are best equipped to show them the way. We must rise to the occasion, and we must start with ourselves. The most vibrant, healthful relationship with tech begins with none. So I detoxed myself. I also recruited several parents who detoxed their kids alongside me, because everything is better in community. In setting up our parental detox plans, we soon realized that we couldn’t exactly go cold turkey, because phones are how parents communicate with teachers, doctors, dentists, social workers, and family. I also grocery shop, bank, and write on my phone. Perhaps it’s true that the best relationship with tech begins with none. But unless we decided to start life over in an underground bunker, screen detoxing adults was proving to be much more complicated. Another helps care for an ailing parent, including bills and facilitating medical care. Everyone has a unique life situation. So we created individually tailored plans to put tech in its proper place. We each created detox plans that worked for our unique lives. My phone will sit in its charging dock, not my pocket. Because I share my writing on these platforms, I allowed myself to use them via computer, twice a day for ten minutes or less, so that I could post my writing and reply to messages. I did this for two weeks. Phone use decreased 60–80 percent over the course of two weeks. I didn’t think I had been using social media or email as often as I was. But the metrics don’t lie. I reached for my phone before realizing that there was nothing fun on it to do.