Skip to main content
Your Sympathetic Nervous System
 
Indeed, shame  is so powerful  that we can  notice  its effect on our bodies and our  nervous  system.  For  adults,  this  emotion is  incredibly  intense  and  painful. So  you  can imagine  how much  more  painful  shame  is for a child who is desperate  for their  parent’s  love.  The  process  begins  in the  brain,  which  reacts  to  shame  as though we are in  danger.  This  triggers  your  sympathetic  nervous  system, which is always on the lookout for danger so it can protect you. Your sympathetic nervous system triggers your  fight,  flight,  or freeze  response.  When this response is  triggered  in  your  body,  your  heart  rate  increases  and  more blood  flows to  your  muscles,  thereby  decreasing  blood  flow  in  your  organs.  This  is  why  you feel  that  warm  feeling  inside  you  when  you  feel  ashamed,  because  your  activated  sympathetic  nervous  system  increases  your  body  temperature  and  causes  sweat,  queasiness  and  blushing.  At  the  precise  moment  shame  is  triggered,  we  are  emotionally  hijacked,  and there is no prefrontal activity. Our desire for anonymity is caused  by  the  flight  response.  Then  there  is  the freeze  response.  The  freeze  response  also  stems  from  our sympathetic  nervous  system  which  shuts  down  automatically  in  response  to  what  it  considers a threat. 
Lying Down In  Darkness
Since  our brains react to shame as it reacts to danger, our brain disassociates, rendering us immovable and passive. If you have ever  been  in a  physically dangerous  situation,  you  may have encountered  the freeze  response.  Maybe  you  found  yourself  unable  to  move  when you noticed a huge truck  speeding toward you. At  that moment, all you  could think about was  how  you would be hit by the truck. Despite this, you did not flee to safety.  The  freeze  response  operates  out  of the  premise  that  our  only  chance for  survival  in  a situation  is  to  give  in  to  the threat.  Your brain  feels you are not  able  to  handle  the  threat because  it  is  too  much,  so  it  shuts  you  down  to  protect  you.  Think  of  a  centipede  that  curls  up  in  the  presence  of  dangerous  stimuli. It cannot withstand much external pressure, so it instinctively  moves into a defensive pose. So,  for  example, if you were  verbally abused by your schoolmates, your brain  may have decided that the  best way to survive is to put your head down and allow the abuse to continue. The flight or fight response is a healthy response in relation to external physical threats.  Against shame, the fight and flight responses give us a sense of agency and power. Everybody  Finds Out Sometime
But shame still comes with this method because the flight or fight response  causes  our  relationship  with  others  to  break  down.  It  hijacks  our  brain  into  acting  dysfunctional  and  in ways that push people  away.  This  leaves  us feeling  ashamed  and  worthless  unlike  those  people  who  can  maintain  loving  relationships  in  their  lives.  The  freeze  response  operates  contrastingly  to  the  flight  or  fight  responses.  It  makes  victims  feel  even  more  powerless and worthless. You may ask yourself  afterwards  why you did not fight back or flee. It is easy to blame yourself  afterwards once the damage of the threat has been done.  Why didn’t  I stand up to my father  when he  humiliated me in front of the family? Why  didn’t  I tell my teachers the  truth  of my  family’s abuse when they asked  me? The  freeze  response lies to us that  we are  powerless  and, therefore, deserved whatever abuse we  received.  The  unfortunate  truth  is  that  the  fight,  flight  or  freeze  responses  only  act  to  reinforce  our  original  shame,  digging  us  deeper  into  darkness.  And  so  also  does  the  shame  that  stems  from  being  abused  affects  how  our  brain  and  nervous  system  work,  leaving  us  more  vulnerable  to  the  original  pain,  trauma  and  shame  that  caused  these  changes  in  the  first  place. I think it is really ironic that the human brain  developed  this way. In  the  past,  these  responses really did serve as a way  to protect us. From A  Distance
Today, however, these  evolutionary brain  changes  harm us significantly.  Have you noticed  that it  is  rare to find adults who treat children  with  respect? Obviously, respect  is  a  big part of our cultures globally, but that  respect always  seems  to be demanded of adults at the  expense of children. Very often, teachers  feel as  though  they can berate students to  get  them to  submit and  become  docile.  He  humiliated  me  in  front  of the class when I was  caught  talking,  smacking  me  across  the  backside  with  a meter ruler in  front  of  everyone.  I  never  felt  smart enough  or good  enough  and  I  really  struggled  in  school.  At  home,  my mother’s  method  of  parenting  was  rooted  in  the  belief  that  children  should  be  seen  and  not  heard.  She  would  be  prone  to  fits  of  rage over  the  most  trivial  of things.  To  be  fair,  my  mother  did  not  have  an  easy  childhood  either,  but it  was  not  until  I  was  an adult that  I  realized  this.  She  did  not  get  the  parenting  skills  she  needed  to  be  a  good  parent  to  me.  And  school,  my  caregivers  taught  me  that  the  only  way  to  prove  I  was  a  worthy  child  was  to  be  docile  and  to  be  exactly  who  they  wanted me to be,  no  matter  the  personal  cost  to  my  mental  health.  The adults around me were selfish, choosing to project their own insecurities  and trauma on a child rather than  face  themselves  in  the  mirror.  Today, psychology is only  really  starting  to  explore  how deeply  pain  and  trauma  influence  humans.  I  doubt  the  people  who  abused  you in your childhood  understood  the  mechanism  of  why  shame worked to keep  others  subdued.  All  they  knew  was  that  it  worked.  Think  about  the  last  criticism  someone  gave  you.  There  is  a  very high chance  you still remember  what  you  were  told,  even  if  the  criticism  was  given respectfully  and  lovingly.  That is why many psychologists  will  advise  you  irrevocably  that those  who  abuse  others  do  so  knowing  what  they  are  doing.