I Wanted The Whole Thing!

I needed to redefine my life. After my dad left, my mom and my sister and I became like three best friends. She gave us a car, watched and transported my sister and me, and had us over for dinner regularly. Mom also didn’t miss a beat. She kept all the balls in the air and made it feel as though nothing had changed. The house was quiet. Mom didn’t seem to be as stressed. I was in no need of a dad or a father figure. My sister and I felt like the center of my mom’s universe. There were no other distractions. Within a year of the divorce, we met the man who would become our stepfather. It was New Year’s Eve, and my sister, my cousin, and I were at my grandma’s for a sleepover, just as we were every year.

You're Supposed To Be Feeling Good

Mom met a man out on the street as we three Peeping Toms watched their interaction. He wore a Christmas sweater stretched over his enormous potbelly, tight Wranglers and cowboy boots, and he kissed my mom. He might not have been drunk that first night that I met him. But from that point on, there were not many nights or days when he wasn’t. They didn’t move in together right away, but the three of us did go stay at his house several times. His walls were covered with dead animal heads, and his furniture with dead animal skins. I would lie in my designated bedroom and cry all night every night I had to stay there. It felt like I was slipping further and further away from my mom, and further away from the family I loved. It wasn’t long before he moved in and things started to go downhill. For the first year, it was easier for him to disguise his alcohol addiction, when they didn’t live together. But once we were all living under the same roof, there was nowhere for him to hide. By the time I was sixteen, I hated Jim.

Just One Lifetime

He called my mom a cunt and a bitch and a myriad of other colorful names, while she remained silent. I found myself stepping in to defend her. He would claim to be sober while unable to stand up. He would drive all of us at times when he was intoxicated. I felt I had to save my family from him. He was ruining our lives. But I was failing to pull us out. Then they got engaged. I couldn’t believe it. I remember sitting in the living room as they sat my sister and me down and told us, the same way you would tell someone that their puppy had died. They knew what our reaction would be. All I could think was, My mom didn’t choose me.

Alone Again Or?

She chose him. And suddenly, the wound my dad had made when he left started to bleed again just a little. It was a devastating blow, and it allowed the focus to be drawn away from Jim. He had the space and the distractions to push himself deeper into our family, as we were forced deeper into his lies and addiction. We moved into a house they bought together. The wedge was pushed ever deeper. My grandma died two weeks before I left for college, and by that time I felt there was nothing left of my family worth fighting for. My mom was lost to this man, my sister was only a few years from breaking free herself, and I was out of there. I moved to the farthest part of the state that I could. I had spent almost all of it fighting my mom’s battles, and hoping things would change. They weren’t going to change. Unfortunately, not even 524 miles could keep the hauntings at bay. He claimed it was the officer’s mistake, of course. My mom called me crying just before I was due home for Thanksgiving, telling me she wanted to kick him out, but he wouldn’t leave. So I left midterms and got in my car and drove home. He was gone when I got there, but returned as soon as I left. He said he was sorry, of course. The story continued, the drama never stopped. Since the divorce years before, he had had a massive heart attack and had almost died because of his drinking. His heart had stopped four separate times, and he was in a coma for several days. But he pulled through. He was given another chance. And I had thought that he had turned things around. For several years, he tried to make up for some serious lost time with my sister and me. He took us on an amazing vacation to Disneyworld. We spent Christmas Eve with him. He started dating a wonderful woman, whom we loved. Things really seemed to be going well for him, or at least that’s what I allowed myself to believe. I wanted him to choose me. I wanted to believe he would. In the months leading up to my mom’s wedding, my dad fell off the wagon. As a matter of fact, he never really got on it. That was just my wishful thinking, mixed with his incredible ability to pretend. She had kicked him out. He was pretty bad off. Back to square one again. Things started to unravel for me at the convergence of my dad and mom making awful choices. It started to become painfully obvious that no one was going to choose me. This realization caused me so much pain, I wondered if I would ever have the strength to recover. I knew I would never trust a man again. I wanted the whole thing! In an instant, all that was just gone. I had failed at that dream before I had even had the chance to pursue it. In my desperation, I decided to make a power move. There had to be a different way this could go.