A Moment Of Revelation And Closure

It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I asked her to pick a representative for her mother, father, and siblings and a representative for herself, and to set them up in a spatial relationship to one another in the way that felt right to her. As she picked and placed her representatives, I noticed that they all kept looking around as though they were searching for someone. I asked Sandra if somebody was missing, and if so, who that might be. She didn’t know, so I tested by placing a representative in the spot that all the other representatives kept looking at. Everyone in the constellation focused on the newcomer, and Sandra’s representative actually moved to stand right next to her. The new unknown representative stood still for a while, then walked out of the circle and over to some bottles of water. She grabbed a few and moved back to her spot, and for the next few minutes didn’t look up or make eye contact with any of the other representatives. She did, however, open the bottles of water and drink and drink and drink. With each bottle her head drooped lower. After drinking four bottles of water, she started to edge away from the group. Sandra stared at her and then started to cry.

Forget To Remember

I know who it is, she said, tears running down her face. My mom’s mom was never the same after her husband was killed. Mom said she just wanted to die with him. She started avoiding family members and family gatherings and began drinking heavily. She disappeared one night after a drinking binge. They found her in a ditch, days later. Nobody spoke about her or Grandfather much because it was just too painful. I asked Sandra if she could tell her grandmother’s representative, I see you, and I see that I exclude myself just like you did. Then I asked if she could give her grandmother a place in her heart and maybe put a picture of her in her home. Sandra nodded, wiping the tears from her cheeks, and cried, I don’t want to disappear like she did! At that point, the representative for the grandmother put down the last bottle of water she was holding and stared at a point outside of the circle. In a moment of revelation and closure, Sandra walked up to her grandmother and said, I see you, and I see how painful this was for you. For you who couldn’t stay with the family and belong, I can.

Too Many Tears

I will always have a place for you. Thank you for showing me what this cost you. Your heart closed and it killed you. Watch me as I open mine and live a full life. Sandra described the moment to the group later. Suddenly, I felt like I could belong in ways I hadn’t for a long time. Within a year of the event, she bypassed the original promotion she had wanted and was given a large team to work with because of her ability to pull people together and create belonging. A year after the promotion, she met and found the love of her life. A picture of her grandmother and grandfather hangs in her hallway to this day. In terms of neurological rewiring, when Sandra walked through her family constellation and saw all the representatives looking outside the constellation, obviously searching for someone missing, she physically experienced the truth that someone was absent. When she saw her grandmother drinking and moving away from the constellation, it hit her viscerally. Her inherited pattern was right there, clearly visible for the first time.

It's Okay To Look Back

The new insight into her own life was so powerful, it was impossible for her to ignore or forget. At that point, her perception of her entire history and future began to shift. It is precisely the visceral, experiential power of constellations work that makes neurological rewiring and change possible. You engage multiple senses. You see and hear and sense something you haven’t perceived before, your brain starts making new neurological connections, the intense feelings and emotions cement the shift, and a totally new perception and reality begins to take hold. Lay down a conscious neural pathway and notice the difference. Pick one behavior or thought pattern that you would like to change and commit completely to shifting it. No ifs, ands, buts, or excuses. Now write down one new thought. Notice one new feeling. Remember, elevated emotions are the fuel that sustains you. How is it possible to express the traits, habits, and thoughts of my ancestors? Our genetic code creates proteins in a process called gene expression. Genetic changes alter which proteins are made and thus which genes are expressed. Epigenetic changes triggered by environmental factors don’t alter the proteins produced or change the genetic code. Burgeoning studies indicate that external factors such as diet and exercise, trauma, emotional stress, and other physical and psychological effects can result in epigenetic changes that can be passed down to subsequent generations. The general population resorted to eating rats, grass, and tulip bulbs to survive. Pregnant women who were malnourished during the early stages of pregnancy demonstrated higher rates of obesity, mental health issues, and other health problems later in life. Significantly, some of these effects were still present in the grandchildren. Epigenetic markers appear as patterns of thoughts, feelings, language, actions, and reactions. I see them in the ancestral patterns that clients repeat in many areas, including relationships, success, purpose, fears, dreams, finances, leadership, and health. Here the ideas of nature and nurture come together. We have the genes we’ve inherited from our own parents, but how they express depends on what’s around us, how we are nurtured and, most importantly, the meaning we have made of what surrounds and affects us. Over time the details of events fade, but their symptoms get louder and louder until what needs to be noticed in the system is seen and resolved.