Allow All The Feelings To Emerge

The key is realizing that there are gifts in everything that has happened to you. Once you get this, exploration becomes a joyful process, and the backpack filled with old, burdensome patterns gets lighter and lighter. But they don’t have to confine you. Allow all the feelings to emerge. Allow the systemic sentences buried in your subconscious to surface. They will all tell you things. Allow any resistance that shows up to show up. See where it takes you. Listen to every one of these components. They are breadcrumbs guiding you out of the labyrinth of old patterns that have been keeping you stuck and unhappy. What a jerk I am! Instead, ask yourself, Gee, why did I do that, and how can I use that to grow? Develop your understanding. Ask yourself the kinds of questions you’ve been learning to ask.

Make It Better

Who else in my family reacts that way? Do I want to do something different here? If the answer to that last questions is Yes, then what could you do differently? These are the basic mechanics of exploring your issue and the healthiest attitudes to take into your exploration to make it a rewarding and effective process. Here’s another client story that might help serve as a kind of exploration template for you to follow. Catherine came to me in her late sixties. After thirteen years of being happily single, she finally decided she wanted to bring a man into her life again. And yet she was plagued with uncertainty. Did she really want a partner? Each of her three marriages had been relatively brief and unsatisfying. Even though all three men had loved her, she was always the one who left. The periods of singledom in between relationships were always longer than the relationships themselves. Why am I always dissatisfied with the men I pick? she asked. I get into a relationship and end up being bored. And then I leave. I asked her about her upbringing and family history.

To Keep Your Balance, You Must Keep Moving

When I was four years old, my mom divorced my dad, she said. I was always puzzled as to why she did it because when I reconnected with my father later in life, I discovered he was a real sweetheart. It never made any sense to me why Mom left him only to marry an abusive alcoholic a few years later. She never left my stepfather, no matter how bad it got. And it got pretty bad. The need for abuse over love was a multigenerational thread we would pursue. But first we had to discover whether there was an ongoing pattern of leaving men in her family line. Is it really true that your mother didn’t leave her second marriage? I asked. And what about your grandmother on your mother’s side? Catherine thought about it and gasped. Mom totally withdrew from her second marriage, spending most of her days and nights in bed reading historical novels and drinking bourbon! So, Mom left two men who loved her, and drinking alcohol systemically often points to disappearing from a life or a pattern that we can’t face. Next we explored her grandmother’s marriage. By the time Catherine came along, her grandmother was basically unavailable to everyone in the family, including her husband, because she developed Parkinson’s disease in her early forties.

We Can Work It Out

She was like a pillar of salt, Catherine said. Immobile, silent, and removed. I pointed out that her grandmother, as well as her mother, had basically left her husband. Wow, she said, her eyes big, I never looked at it that way. I always just saw her as being sick. But she really did leave . It’s not enough to just ask initial questions. Once you get the answers, a whole new crop of questions will arise that will help you explore your issue. I’ll give you one example from my list of questions to Catherine. Her immediate, candid answer to my question, What are your thoughts about men? was revealing. Most men are idiots, she replied. They’re boring and a pain in the ass to have around. She laughed, adding, Well, I guess that answers why I’m not in a relationship with a man. Indeed it did. After she had answered all the questions listed above, it was time to dig deeper. What is one good thing that you got from the original idiot? Even if all you can say is life, be able to identify something good. Catherine had very little family history to go on to answer all these questions. There was more possible harshness from men in her lineage than just her stepfather. Was your grandfather abusive? I asked. He was a doctor and a real caretaker. But your stepfather was abusive? Absolutely, she replied. He never hit either of us, but he was horribly abusive verbally. If a child comes from an abusive environment, it is commonplace for them to be confused about abuse and love. A social systemic sentence around the world is, Parents love their children. So, when a parent is abusive, the child comes to associate abuse with love. Did your mother ever tell you why she left your real father? I asked. She did say something really weird one day. Catherine’s mother stayed loyal to her mother by leaving the kind man who loved her and marrying an alcoholic abuser. Catherine broke the unconscious loyalty by not marrying an abuser. So, who was the original idiot for whom all others pay the price? Somebody before him? He was judgmental to the point of ridiculousness and always had to be right, even when it was painfully obvious he was wrong. I remember thinking as a little kid, Doesn’t he know he’s setting a terrible example for me? When is this idiot going to grow up? Is there any possible way you can hold men as being something other than idiots? I asked. As she contemplated that question, she realized she really didn’t think all men were that way at all.