How To Spot A Narcissist?

It’s actually only when we feel safe in a relationship that we develop trust. Trust me, we have all been there. With healing, the allure lessens. We are simultaneously learning to recognize the red flags when we see them. This means we will no longer be so quick to fall for what looks like true love but be drawn to something that feels very different, more satisfying and settling. For many of us, there seems to be a middle stage where the nice guys we meet don’t bring this rush and can feel boring, even when we can actually see that they are offering the sustained connection we’ve craved. We find ourselves asking, What about the grand romantic gestures, the racing heart, and the butterflies in our stomach? I miss that! Remember, when we were anxiously attached, these symptoms, which often got mistaken for chemistry, were actually early signs that our attachment wound was being awakened. Once mutual trust has been established, both partners are free to explore the world outside the relationship, where each is able to develop their own interests and replenish their own energy. This creates a healthy foundation and chemistry between two individuals, as each partner is continually bringing something new and different to the relationship, as they evolve and grow together. This isn’t always an easy transition because our systems are so used to the charge of sympathetic arousal. The opposite of boring, the safety that allows for this level of autonomy and exploration is what prevents things from becoming stale. If the bad boy or unavailable guy keeps things interesting by constantly keeping you on your toes, the nice guy does it by helping you feel secure enough to keep evolving and growing while the two of you experience the gift of deepening intimacy.

Who Do You Think You're Fooling?

How to spot a narcissist? Filled with shame and secretly certain they are worth nothing, they protect themselves by consciously believing they are superior to others, thus requiring constant proof of that by insisting on everyone’s adoration. In the beginning, to secure our devotion, they also seem to know exactly how to attune to our needs, and have an uncanny knack for making a potential partner feel special. Imagine how alluring this would be for us when we didn’t have that feeling when we were small. The magic radar that draws people together helps narcissists tune in to those of us who will succumb to the seductive bait of specialness. As long as this stays in place, it means never having to be vulnerable to the shame that lurks just under the surface. This justifies them actively rejecting us. While we are actually fortunate if we are cast away, the anguish it causes deepens the wound inside us and can make us even more vulnerable to another narcissist’s wooing of us. Unfortunately, the tale of the narcissist and the empath is a common one. In this dynamic, selflessness can tip into pathological caretaking where being hypervigilant to the needs of another is the price for staying in the relationship. Narcissists actually create destabilizing scenarios that mean they remain the center of attention, bolstering the belief of their wounded Little Me that they will only get what they need by dominating others. They do this by dishing out little hits of dopamine in the form of attention, a tactic that keeps the empath even more hooked by a process known as intermittent reinforcement. This means we stay, waiting for that next moment of focus on us, never knowing when it will come.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

The modern dating culture can refer to this type of behavior as breadcrumbing, when your partner shows interest just to keep you hooked during those moments they sense they’re losing you. Even talking about this may stir up the sensations of sympathetic activation right now. The selfless person will give endlessly of themselves, to the extent that they almost disappear, while becoming ever more anxious. There are no moments of safety and true connection because narcissists are so intent on their own complete lack of safety. Shame is always threatening to break through. When we are anxiously attached, we believe that being needed is the same as being loved, so it is understandable the extent to which we will take on responsibility for caretaking a narcissistic partner’s agonized wounded child. Often, the more closely the wound in our parents resembles the wound in the narcissist, the more difficult it will be for us to leave the relationship. Do you think you might have been snared by a narcissist? Most of us have moments like this. When we are sufficiently threatened, even if we are mostly selfless, we will turn toward actions that are solely focused on getting what we need to feel safe. As with everybody, this is not the narcissist’s fault. These traits are the result of how they learned to protect themselves in the face of being repeatedly shamed and humiliated in early childhood. But if you do suspect your avoidant partner of having narcissistic tendencies, no amount of bending over backward for them will lead to a loving partnership with a personality this extreme.

A Permanent State Of Exhaustion

Imagine the desperation of a drowning person and you can get the feeling of what it is like to be a narcissist who is threatened with exposure to his or her inner world. The only course of action in this scenario is to first recognize and accept what is happening, and then to walk away. If one of the purposes of every relationship is to help us learn something about ourselves, the lesson learned in this case is that loving someone more and trying harder to get them to love you does not always get the two of you to the mutuality of a healthy relationship. Such a change requires both people to do the hard work of healing, and for most narcissists, the amount of pain they would face keeps them locked into behaviors that make sure this will never happen.