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People who have hurt someone badly often don’t know what to do about it. This has more to do with your family of origin and less to do with you as part of a couple. The solution for achieving balance systemically is to pay attention to what has happened and take it seriously. A period of time for thinking through and cooling off is helpful. It should be set by the one who has been wronged so when the two come together, a mindful discussion can be had and a balanced set of consequences declared. After the issue has been fully addressed and an agreement arrived at, it must be given its place in the partnership. The betrayal is not pulled out for a rehash during every argument. Here each must learn what pattern wants to rest for them and what pattern is ready to grow through them. Atoning for hurting someone badly. If you can’t move on and I caused this, how dare I live a good life? We turn into both victim and perpetrator, hurting ourselves in revenge for what we’ve done. Either that or we seek forgiveness, which can possibly hurt the victim again. I see this in partners who have hurt each other, and sometimes in women who have had abortions or given children up for adoption. 
Heart Of Stone
Sometimes those who have had abortions feel guilty and may suffer inwardly. The solution is to look at what happened squarely in the face, acknowledge the effects, and then ask what can be learned and make choices that bring peace and growth. Try to see the pattern that is wanting to emerge. For example, I will learn from what has happened here. This is a strength. When you see the pattern, that insight becomes a gift you can pay forward, bringing life to life. Stupid women who can’t drive! Do you find yourself uttering disparaging language toward any person or group around you? Where did that come from? How is it limiting you? When we find ourselves typecasting individuals and groups, this is a wonderful moment to hit the pause button. Not only are we demeaning someone else, but we are also excluding them and ourselves from belonging, because who would want to belong to a group that demeans others? By excluding people, all you’re doing is limiting your relationships. Remember, what you decide and say about others will determine how you relate to them and they to you. Sometimes parting ways is the healthiest path for a couple to take. It does not belong with your children. They are too small for that, and it puts them out of order and into the place of being too big or a surrogate spouse. Lamb To The Slaughter
What do you want them to learn from you? A good debriefing facilitates growth for everyone. Understanding that each parent occupies the first place and will always occupy that place gives the parents their place and the subsequent partners their places. When each knows where they belong, there is no need for friction. The same goes for what they see that is wrong in their spouses. They will find the same emerging in their children. Partners do well together when each one understands that they are different but equal. Each needs what the other has, and each has what the other needs. For this reason, partners often take us to the sites of our greatest wounds. They can show us our most vulnerable places and offer us the chance to explore and to turn weaknesses into strengths. They show us what is unresolved in our family system. Often what we don’t work out with our parents we will try to work out with our partners. Systemic weight is created when you build together as a couple, growing families or perhaps tackling projects that carry the weight of a family. Who Do You Think You're Fooling?
Accumulating assets and building wealth together are also ways to connect. Sometimes, if only one person grows, the relationship dissolves because the one with wings needs to fly. When one is engaged in activities that bring growth, if the other cannot be involved in the same activity, it is wise to find a complementary outlet so that both bring dynamic growth to the unit. Being joyful together and also grieving together creates strength for couples and a safe haven for both. You build a relationship consciously when you receive and give fully with a full heart. Each giving and receiving builds upon the other. Doing this, you cannot help but build relationships that are rich and rewarding. Joy like this doesn’t just happen. It is the consequence of your willingness to increase love by needing and feeding relationships. You can lean in and be leaned upon, hold and be held. Honoring the fact that everyone belongs in multiple systems allows us to bring the fullness of who we are into our relationships, without defensiveness, for exploration and growth. When we regard each other with inclusive eyes, hearts, and minds, something entirely new is possible. Who you are in relationship to others tells you how you are with yourself. If you listen to what you are telling yourself and others and observe your patterns of relating, you will quickly find what’s keeping you stuck and what’s helping you vault ahead. Believe that you can have the relationships you want in both your personal and professional lives. It doesn’t matter if the current state of the relationship is difficult or even broken. If you don’t have at least the desire and the belief that it’s possible to create or improve, you won’t even try. Be specific about what you want, not what you need. There is a difference. Seek relationships with people who will help you grow and develop into a greater person. Make sure your relationships serve your highest good, and make sure you bring your highest self into them. You want to be excited by them and in turn excite and elevate them. Peers may represent siblings.