Inner Protectors And Inner Nurturers

Two people seeking a loving relationship get drawn into familiar patterns of protection because of the core wounds of childhood. This leads to what Melody Beattie calls a codependent relationship. A very short definition of codependency is trying to control another person’s emotions and behaviors so we don’t have to experience our own painful feelings. Each person is actually depending on the other to provide protection, but in ways that guarantee more misery for both people. Avoidant people become even more convinced that relationships are to be avoided, and anxious people, who are more in touch with their emotions, suffer agonizing abandonment as they become selfless in the attempt to keep the other person. This is a dynamic we’ll be exploring in depth. Having experienced this kind of relationship myself, I know the pain of it and the necessity of healing the wounds that make those of us who are anxiously attached vulnerable. We’ll walk through all of it together. The longer we ignore these vulnerable, wounded parts of our selves, the longer we’ll have the heartbreaking experience of being in relationships that feel just like the abandonment and fear that was a familiar feeling from childhood. As human beings, we have a hard time with pain, often doing everything we can to avoid the discomfort of facing the ache inside us. Even when we instinctively sense that this is how we free ourselves of unhealthy attachments, we often shy away because we don’t have the necessary support to get in touch with this deeper pain and fear. Our society often encourages us to go through this alone, but it’s important to find the right people, in the form of a therapist or one or two friends who can listen with warmth and without judgment.

Isn't That Peculiar

I will be working with you to help you develop your new internal support system. This external safety net will soothe your nervous system, build an inner community of care, and allow you to be fully embodied and gain the awareness to respond differently to your attachment needs when they arise. Over time, you will find yourself feeling so much more secure. We’ll begin with a reflective practice that will help us build what is called interoception. This means listening to our body’s sensations to bring us into contact with our inner world. This is the place where our core wounds have been protectively stored until someone comes to support us in healing. We can be with our younger self, our Little Me, hold their experiences, and meet our Inner Protectors and Inner Nurturers. You can return here again and again for the guided practices that will give them the support they need for the rest of your life. To accompany you, I am recording these meditations so we can do them together. This part of the journey will be painful at times as we touch the fear and anguish that has been hurting inside since you were small. What makes it possible is the care and warmth we bring with our listening presence while building internal resources that will last a lifetime. What you can expect when you emerge from this journey.

Don't Break Easily

We will spend a little time reviewing where we’ve been and then celebrate the new fullness that is emerging as we continue to support Little Me’s recovery and build a strong Inner Nurturer community. Now we’re ready for part three. What will it be like to move toward interdependence with a partner? In this kind of relationship, both partners have enough inner security to not depend on only each other for connection and also to be at ease with growing intimacy. At the same time, they can lean into each other to provide support. We could say that they neither abandon nor invade each other. Weaving this new way of being into a partnership is challenging and rewarding. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, and that each person we cross paths with has a valuable lesson to share with us. We just need to be open to receive it. Seen this way, we might say that the underlying nature of all relationships is spiritual. There is a profound mystery in this journey inward. We may begin to feel that we are divinely supported, never alone, and that the universe really does have our backs. Relational neuroscience also tells us that we are built for these kinds of safe and nurturing connections that fill our bodies with the neurochemicals of warm, secure bonds.

In The Back Of My Mind

Trusting in this spiritual connection and the right human support, we begin to act more spontaneously and creatively, increasing our chances of fulfilling love to make its way in. As you begin to heal, you will feel more secure in the world, within your relationships, and within yourself. I share this as motivation for the journey we are about to begin, a journey to better understand and heal your hurts, so you no longer need to seek outside for all your comfort and nurturing. We can do this together. We are all hardwired to connect with others on an intimate level. We are born physically connected to our mother by the umbilical cord that has literally been our only source of sustenance, the magical thread of life itself. In truth, the blueprint for the middle way, for interdependence, is inked before we even take our first breath. Nothing says I am safe like truly connecting with another person. Once we find ourselves out in the world, seeking connection outside of our immediate family, how do we know the person we are trusting with our feelings is up to the job and isn’t going to take our tender, open heart and trample on it? In our most intimate relationships, the ones where we feel truly safe and relaxed enough to be our real selves, we are able to access even deeper states of being and discover the joy of being accepted for who we truly are.