Isn't That What Parenting Is About?

Kids are frustrating! If you don’t talk, you can’t yell. And sometimes, I realize that I’m just talking up my anger, making me boil over. I stop talking, get up, and remove myself for a few minutes. It’s okay to take a break. You’re never going to be able to stop yelling completely. But you can work at it. Where are the parents? Why aren’t parents monitoring what these kids are watching? But now, I understand how hard that is. And when you do force yourself to tune in, it’s horrible. But sometimes, there is beauty to be found in the ugly. Sometimes, the only peace to be found is in wartime. Or as Auguste Rodin once said, To the artist there is never anything ugly in nature. Okay, I googled that, but you get my point.

One Way Street

Happiness is an inside job. And recently, I found that happiness while watching Strawberry Shortcake. Instead of feeling angry, a wave of relaxation came over me. It was so brainless, so totally stupid, that my mind settled into a peace I hadn’t felt all day. The saccharine sweetness of the whole dumb Strawberry Shortcake gang and their dumb hats had me smiling and nodding. Raspberry Tart has a point! In a way, Strawberry Shortcake is like a kid’s version of The Real Housewives. It’s fabricated and brainless, but the reassuring rhythms of the show have a soothing effect. Watching the housewives fight and bicker should raise your blood pressure, but instead, it does the opposite. Sure, your kid will love most of these, but isn’t that the biggest problem? Why are these people trying to drive a wedge between you and your child? It’d be one thing if these toys talked in a normal voice, but they all use the cloying tone of a robot kindergarten teacher. When our daughter was little, she had a plastic chair that sang when a child sat down on it, which was always. This thing activates if you accidentally brush it, and it has no off switch. No off switch should be a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

Salt Of The Earth

And what does it do when you activate it? It spews nonsense very enthusiastically. But us dads pride ourselves on having a large reserve of batteries so that we don’t run out when the End Times come. So even though it goes against every fiber in our being, a dead battery should never be replaced immediately. You have the batteries, so you have the power. With luck, your kid will forget that the toy ever sang/spoke/chattered. I guess, in the middle of the country, a playroom isn’t complete without a giant teddy bear stinking up the corner, but in Brooklyn, we like our bears small and artisanal. Our daughter also has a wonderful wooden castle. I’d take a crappy plastic castle that folds over a wonderful wooden castle any day of the week. Your bike folds, the stroller folds, everything must fold. Toys that don’t fold are furniture. You wouldn’t buy a child a couch, would you? Nothing sparks a child’s interest more than the knowledge that she can acquire four hundred more toys if only they keep the series going. Collectibles are a horror.

A Legitimate Viewpoint

Your time, that’s what. From tiny, beginner crochet projects to model cars, your child will need your help. These projects are so full of promise, so exciting to start. But do they ever end? Most of them have steep learning curves and frustrating directions. Will he end up a frustrated artist? No parent in his right mind would allow a gift of glitter to enter his home. But what if it is disguised as glitter glue or glitter kits? Glitter finds a way. Truthfully, there’s not much to do. Glitter will be part of your life, and if you’re like me, it will nest in the crook of your nose or high on your forehead and never leave, no matter how much you rub. Everyone will know just by looking at you that have a child at home. I’d be combing through dust bunnies for days to find that tiny slipper. Tiny parts designed by childless madmen are to be avoided at all costs. Eventually, if you get good enough at losing accessories, your naked princess toys will be enjoyed in peace. But until then, you will be stuck in the folly of maintaining this tiny inventory of slippers, crowns, and swords. Could I be a cool dad, too, if only I tried harder? We all try a little bit to be a cool dad, but some of these dads out there are making the rest of us look bad by being way too cool. They won’t hang out with me, no matter how many times I ask. I’m not going to complain about hipsters, but I can’t cotton to dads that show no sign of dadness, as if they’re still baristas, just with babies. Who wants to watch that show? This level of cool has always eluded me. I think having a kid knocks you down at least two levels of cool, so think of how cool some of these dads were when they weren’t even dads. I take some small consolation in picturing the upchuck accident that ruins some hipster dad’s cool orange sweater that I could never pull off. If your dad is this cool, what are you supposed to rebel against? Maybe the final consolation is that by being so solidly lame, I’ve provided my child with a perfect foil. I’ve ensured that she will grow and discover cool things on her own. And isn’t that what parenting is about? Sometimes, your friends stop paying attention and clearly aren’t sure if you have a child. He has let ten years pass without considering that this kid has been growing. Don’t worry so much about my kid, okay? I think this is fine, but this is not a universally held opinion. But where does this refusal to intervene in civic life end?