Stop Here To Heal

Anxiously children become more sensitive to others so they can feel connected as much as possible. Without proper boundaries, it’s possible to lose sight of which feelings are ours and which belong to our partner. We can become so absorbed that we lose track of our feelings entirely. Being hyperaware of the feelings of our parents was a part of the way we adapted to their inconsistency. It makes perfect sense that when we attach to new people as adults, we respond in the ways we learned as children. Being able to gauge the emotional state of our spouse or partner becomes a way to protect against abandonment. When we come to a relationship from a place of insecurity and fear, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with a desire to know everything about the person we are falling in love with. Does he mean it when he says he loves me? Or is she about to walk out the door? Flooded with information about what’s going on for them, it becomes harder and harder to access our own feeling states, and to recognize our own needs. It is possible to learn to work with our sensitive and empathetic nature. With practice and healing, you can fully love another while keeping clear boundaries in place. This means understanding that your needs are separate from your partner’s, and that you feeling and expressing your own needs is an important part of keeping balance. Learning that relationships offer a safe place to share your needs as well as meet the needs of another, you will be able to navigate the profound connection that your sensitivity to the feelings of others can foster, and that becomes a conduit not only to a deeper connection with your partner but to a greater, universal love.

Mixed Emotions

This starts with creating an unshakable connection to the world within us. When we are in energetic alignment with ourselves first and foremost, we can shift our focus between our own needs and the needs of our partner. We instinctively know when to put energy into the relationship, or when it’s time to retreat back into ourselves to replenish our own reserves. Start thinking about who in your world, past or present, may be able to offer this kind of nonjudgmental and unconditional support. But blaming your failed relationships on the inability to choose the right partner is unfair because it implies that you are simply a bad judge of character. The reason you find yourself in these relationships has to do with how you expect to love and be loved. And this goes back to those deeply ingrained patterns from childhood. She is a conventional person and tends to play it safe in the world. After talking and exploring her feelings, Nina was able to see that she is attracted to rebellious and carefree women because she feels she lacks those qualities within. She did some inner work and discovered that the free spirit in her had been crushed by parents who couldn’t tolerate her joy or her urge to explore. As she slowly started to unlock these lost traits, she felt afraid that she would be unlovable if she was even a little more outgoing. Working through these fears, she was able to take more risks.

Viva La Vida

In our sessions, she started speaking up more, and even expressed healthy anger for the first time. All of this led to her challenging her belief system about how she should show up in the world. If, like Nina, you have found yourself in a series of relationships that ended painfully, it doesn’t mean that you chose the wrong person yet again. In each relationship, both of you subconsciously chose each other, and you did so for good reason. There is more to be learned about who you are, what you need, and what needs healing. When we look at our relationships from the binary perspective of good and bad, right for me or wrong for me, we are not yet looking at our own role in how things played out. But in the years following my divorce, rather than constantly looking for a cure for my broken heart in other relationships, I chose to look within. I faced some loneliness. I rediscovered some friendships and relationships that could help support me as I gained a new sense of myself. You, too, have the opportunity to look more deeply at what unconsciously drives you to attach to people who feed your anxiety, causing you to spiral into panic at the first sign of a problem. If anything, our unhealthy romantic relationships teach us some of our most valuable life lessons. Seen this way, each argument or harrowing breakup can be viewed like a signpost that says Stop here to heal.

Counting On You

As long as we are willing to look and learn, we can find deep meaning in every interaction. We just need to be open to receive it. Sometimes, it is easier to begin this healing journey when we are between intimate relationships since we must do the work ourselves, and the desire must come from within. On the flip side, we also can’t compel anyone else to begin this journey with us. We can make a request of our partner, but we can’t simply say, Listen, I’m learning how to heal myself, and you’d better do the same. You’ve got just as many issues as I do and this won’t work unless you fix yours, too. You don’t have to be a relationship expert to imagine how that conversation would play out. Ultimately, you are responsible for yourself, and yourself only. You will be amazed at how much your current and future relationships will improve once you’ve taken the initiative and done your own inner work. First of all, no relationship is flawless. No matter how emotionally secure you become, you’re going to butt heads with your partner from time to time. A successful relationship is not one without any issues at all.