Stop Seeking Our Approval

Kids never do exactly what their parents want. Nothing wrong with looking good. Kids grow out of these things. Try not to worry about it. These new characters are the worst. Why do you keep asking us questions, Dora? Stop seeking our approval. When a bunch of kids yell at me to stop doing something, it basically just eggs me on. Turns out he’s bald for no reason! Then why is he such a creepy whiner? Why does he say his name forty times in his theme song? Why is Franklin so worried about everything? He’s a turtle and could just curl up. If I had a shell, I’d spend half my day in there texting. I have a daughter, so honestly, I couldn’t even watch ten minutes of this crap before I had to change the channel. Seems like it’s classist, though. Ruby is a nag, but it’s almost like Max is brain damaged.

A Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Seems like a cool kid’s show, but fails the crucial Can I ignore it? test. Rocky the Recycling Pup? Out of a handful of dogs, one of their powers is to basically put trash in the right place. Rogers’s Universe, as if he had anything to say about it. Meanwhile, it’s Daniel’s fault that you’re accidentally singing When you have to go potty, stop and go right away, flush and wash and be on your way while you’re trying to take a dump. Makes you look forward to a little Shimmer and Shine. Things that you used to find cloying, you find cute. Oh man, that kid in the YouTube video has an insane laugh! You cry during tampon commercials, right? That’s probably terrible German. Basically, since becoming a parent, I take pleasure in watching other parents struggle with crying children. I’m just being honest. It’s a sort of sympathy, sort of amusement, sort of hahaha. One time, I was on the train near two dads and their kids when one of the kids suddenly threw up. None of this would pass muster these days.

Don't Stop Until You Get Enough

Is muster even legal anymore? Times were different. So I guess it’s okay to let your parents, now much older and feebler, take care of your precious child. They keep leftovers in the fridge way too long and it’s been decades since they took care of anything, but it’s fine! Remember your own grandparents? Sure they did, but you didn’t question it. Seems dangerous, but if you bear a few things in mind, all will be fine. Most grandparents have retained the bare minimum understanding of what it means to keep a child alive. You were fine, you are fine, your child will be fine. Love will keep your child alive, probably. Even babysitters you’re paying will ignore you half the time. Just strap in and release control. Some grandparents are wise baby whisperers, warm and connected to children in a special way. Others are relying on a mix of distant memories of your upbringing and Dear Abby columns they clipped from the local paper to give you advice. In the end, grandparents are a combination of basically everything you would disqualify a normal babysitter for.

High And Dry

But they are maybe the only people that love your child as much as you do. Be kind to these strange, wonderful people. Share. Make friends. This advice is fine for toddlers but a drag for dads. At some point, you will find yourself trying to decide whether to make friends with other dads at the neighborhood playground. The answer seems to be yes, but let’s make sure. Now that I am a jaded New Yorker, this custom strikes me as odd. When this happens to me, I think, Do I know that person? Why are they taking up my time and making me angry? In New York, you always have to be careful about whom you decide to know. It’s great to have friends, but anonymity is also key. One time a girl I knew from college moved to my neighborhood and I’d see her at my subway stop every morning. After months of having to say hi to each other, we both finally decided to pretend we didn’t know each other anymore. Phew, back to the crossword puzzle! How well should you know them? You could make a new friend! If you don’t hit it off, they’re just a few more people you have to nod at and acknowledge, maybe even pretend to like. You won’t feel as alone in this world. Not feeling alone in the world is what your phone is for. So you already have that covered. Your kid might make friends. If your kid makes friends, you’ll have to get to know the parent. What if your kid is better at making friends than you? I think women have an easier time being friendly with one another. Men still have a stupid macho formality we have to overcome each time we meet someone, a sort of standoffishness that’s even sillier when you’re holding a lovey or playing monster on the playground. I remember going to story time at the local library with my daughter and how excited I was to see another dad there. All right, now we’re talkin’! So right after, I introduced myself to him and he gave me a cursory nod before blowing me off for a mom he knew. The one that got away . Who knows if this guy can hang? This guy must live around here and have a kid my age. Try out a What’s up? or a nod. Act like you don’t even care. Try an icebreaker like, How old is your kid? or Looks like we’re both here at the playground again. Stand around awkwardly. Try something like, Look, I don’t know if this is crazy or not, but I think you and I could have something special if only we could break down these walls between us. To be so close and so similar and have this uncrossable bridge?