The Progression Of The Relationship

Whatever you recognize as your core wounds and the painful patterns attached to them, we can begin the process of healing them. If you remain unaware of them, you could find yourself in a similar situation to Susan and Dan. But behind closed doors they have been grappling with some issues. Although they like to eat out, Susan also makes dinner regularly. When she does, she asks Dan to help her clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher. Most of the time, Dan remembers and willingly helps her clean up when the meal is over. But sometimes her request slips his mind, usually when he is exhausted after a long day at work and just wants to veg out in front of the television. But she is afraid to voice her frustration because her wounded Little Me fears that upsetting Dan will lead to him leaving her. And so instead of speaking up and letting Dan know it bothers her when he forgets to clean the kitchen, she minimizes her need for help and recognition and becomes even more attentive to Dan’s needs to compensate. Until one random Sunday evening, when Susan prepared a beautiful dinner. She spent all afternoon in the kitchen to prep, cook, and bake. Dan had been looking forward to watching a sporting event all day, so after dinner he quickly retreated to the den and turned on the game.

Army Of One

She could not contain her frustration any longer. She insulted Dan and called him names, smashed some dishes and the ensuing fight led to a major rupture in the relationship. Dan had no idea how upset his lack of involvement in the cleanup process made Susan feel. He was completely oblivious, not because he was a bad partner, but because Susan never expressed her agitation. Sure, he knew she appreciated his help. But Susan had been stifling her needs and emotional authenticity out of fear of losing him. She avoided conflict to the point where it had nowhere to go, and the resentments built up until Susan’s wounded Little Me had no option but to blow up. Unconsciously, she had created a scenario in which her fear of Dan leaving her was one step closer to coming true. Two people meet on a popular dating app. The connection is instant. Conversation flows readily and feels incredibly natural. They begin texting more and more, and before long they are spending a lot of time together.

Feel A Whole Lot Better

First, they meet for coffee. Soon they are meeting up three to four times a week. From an outside perspective, the progression of the relationship seems normal and healthy. Isn’t this kind of connection what everybody’s looking for? What isn’t so obvious is that each of them have a Little Me who is also part of the relationship from the beginning. If these little ones have received the nurturance they needed to become securely attached, we can imagine that this relationship will unfold fairly easily. However, if one or both of them are carrying significant core wounds, it is likely that below conscious awareness they also saw something in each other that felt familiar from the past. It is amazing how sensitive our systems are to what is going on inside the other person. I once had a client who said that if I lined up twenty men, she would immediately go toward the one who was a serial cheater without knowing anything about him. We are all coming into relationships with our own unconscious expectations, which will play out as our connection evolves. Expectations can vary significantly. While it’s often impossible to identify at the beginning of a relationship, recognizing the subconscious pact between your Little Me and your partner’s once you hit the first snag will help you discover where there is some deeper work to do. For example, when Julie began getting more in touch with her Little Me, she realized that the relationship with her new partner, Steve, was activating old wounds.

All The Things You Are

Julie was the youngest of four siblings, so her emotional needs were not always met during childhood. She didn’t receive the attention she needed because her parents were spread very thin. On the other hand, when she met Steve, she found him to be attentive and extremely available. Her needs were met by him immediately, and for a while, Julie’s Little Me felt safe and loved. But over time, Steve had become more and more controlling. It became clear that he was only willing to show up emotionally if he could take charge. This led to Julie’s authentic needs and sense of self being sidelined. Instead of being loved and supported, now she felt trapped. Spend some time with your current and past relationships. Can you begin to sense the nature of the Little Me Pacts you have unwittingly made with your different partners? If you stay with him, you’ll never be alone, one Little Me might have promised. I’ll let you make all the decisions if you will stay with me, another might have said. Going back to the idea that all our interpersonal relationships are built on a foundation of mutual reciprocity, it makes sense that we want to partner up with somebody who gets us and seems to know what we need. Problems arise when this agreement requires a disavowal of either partner’s whole, authentic self. Frustration, animosity, and blame, and yet another failed relationship. Furthermore, once a pact of this nature has been made, it becomes so much harder to identify and heal the core wounds it has been founded on. It is as if you have been blinded by love. Remember how I said that our core wounds act like an energetic magnet? Let’s first take a look at how energy actually works. Quantum theory shows us that everything in the universe is made of energy, including our thoughts and feelings, which have their own electromagnetic charge. This explains why we feel mysteriously drawn to some people more than others.